Posted in audience participation, connections, differences, know better do better, mindset, motivation, parenting, vulnerability

LISTEN—it’s about all of us

It doesn’t feel right to prattle on about the usual things today.

The problem of gun violence is overwhelming.

The problem of black people murdered by police is overwhelming.

The problem of racism is overwhelming.

There are solutions or partial solutions to these, and we rationalize our way around them.

How do we connect when there’s little to no willingness for vulnerability? If you show up for the conversation with your army and I show up with mine, the best possible outcome is a stalemate.

“You go first” “No you go first” has the same result.

We—white people—have so much fear of losing.

Community isn’t a zero-sum game. When the “least” among us does better, everyone does better. (I hate the word “least” because of the value judgment. What if our gold standard was compassion? The “least” among us would be some very different people…and it would be better for everyone.)

We’re all people. We all have some similarities in emotions and wants and needs. But not everyone’s life and experience and motivation is the same as yours. (And it’s often not what you judge it to be, either.)

Listen.

Especially when you’re triggered or feel dismissive.

Listen.

It’s not about you.


To my friends of color, to other people of color who I’m not acquainted with… to the mamas…

It’s easy to say “I can’t imagine what you’re going through” and to offer a platitude that way.

I don’t want to offer platitudes. So I took some time, and I sat, and I imagined it, the best that I can.

And I wept.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is part of your parenthood. I’m sorry that this is what we offer you. I’m sorry I can’t fix it. I feel like my voice doesn’t matter—because it’s small, because it’s white, because the people who need the lessons aren’t listening—but for whatever audience I have, in a variety of contexts, my voice is all I have.

Posted in about me, food, know better do better, motivation, physical health

I reached my fat limit

It finally happened.

I reached the limit for how heavy I am willing to be.

I didn’t know ahead of time what that was. It’s not something I’ve kept in mind all along. I just reached the point where I had to say, “No more!”

When I went back to school in 2016, I gained a little bit of weight, eventually figuring out that since I was home more than I had been, I was also snacking more than I had been.

Snacks for studying, snacks to avoid studying, snacks to avoid housework, snacks snacks snacks. My eating was pretty clean—for lack of a better word—at that point, and that didn’t change. Just quantity.

The weight stayed with me.

Also in 2016, The Climbing Daddy and I started dating. He is a big fan of eating out, and we ate out together multiple times per week—way more than I ate out on my own. This also contributed to added pounds.

COVID was the biggest culprit, though. Most of us know how this has been going down. Lots more snacks. We also did some baking a year ago and through the summer, which meant eating foods we didn’t usually keep on hand. Not tons. Not even weekly. Just more.

Sweets tend to lead to more sweets, particularly with two adults in the house who struggle with regulation. Often enough it’s The Kid who says, “We’ve had enough sweets lately.”

Even with taking walks daily and running a few miles regularly, pounds crept on, as they have for many of us.

You can’t out-exercise a bad diet.

Wearing elastic-waisted pants regularly doesn’t make my brain feel good, regardless my body size or shape, so most of this time, I’ve been wearing jeans and other pants and shorts with buttons and zippers. Most of them still fit. Some of them are quite snug; others must be a little more stretchy or were a little too big to start with. Work pants don’t fit, but I haven’t needed them in several months.

Enough.

If hunger is not the problem, food is not the answer. I don’t need snacks when I’m bored or stressed or anxious or avoiding unpleasant tasks.

So I stopped snacking, and I stopped gaining weight. (Note: it took longer to stop going to the kitchen looking for snacks than it took to stop eating them.)

I got Climbing Daddy on board—this was critical—and the bits of junk food that had been impulse purchased at the grocery store have stopped coming in. This helps tremendously in avoiding snacking for reasons beyond hunger.

To take off some of the extra, I eliminated or nearly eliminated three categories of foods from my diet: sugar, wheat, dairy.

In the last few weeks, I’ve had some noodles, a tortilla, and two slices of pizza (one sitting). No bread, and have passed on various bread stuff on several occasions. I’ve had a small amount of cheese four times (including the pizza, which was the largest amount of cheese), and I had a brownie.

The brownie was just the other day, was homemade and delicious, was smaller than the average brownie, and I felt sick after eating it.

This is good. This is my body adjusting to food it needs to thrive instead of food I was trained to want in times of distress that don’t serve me.

What am I eating instead? Mostly produce. Hummus with apples or carrots or cucumbers or celery. Nut butter with the same.

Nuts, but not too many.

Thick smoothies, the texture of soft serve, from frozen fruit.

We went from having small, anemic salads with dinner a few nights per week to having big, delicious salads every night. Climbing Daddy chopped up lots of veggies and we have them in the fridge. Everyone chooses the ones they want for their salads. Trader Joe’s recently introduced plantain croutons which are crunchy and delicious. The balsamic has a bit of sugar in it but it’s not sweet and I’m not worried about it.

The featured image is Jamaican curry, with chickpeas, peas, carrots, potatoes, onions, tomatoes, over rice. That was dinner one night and lunch for two days.

I lost three pounds quickly, which was expected. All three of those categories of food can cause water retention, and taking them out leads to immediate extra-water loss.

The rest will take some time, but with my cleaned-up diet and continuing exercise, I’m on my way.

Posted in differences, know better do better, mindset, thoughtfulness, vulnerability

It’s not just about the weather

We have a serious game of one-up-manship going on. It’s everywhere and completely lacks empathy.

An easy example, one that likely isn’t triggering to most people, is weather.

Right now, Texas is just starting to thaw a bit. People went for days without electricity and/or running water. It’s killing people. Homes are flooding. Drinking water is scarce. Many foods are in short supply. 

People from other parts of the country where snow is common are smack talking.

This isn’t to say that the overwhelming response is “So? We got way more snow than that this weekend,” but that the response is big enough to be noticeable is troubling.

It’s not the same. Can we agree it’s not the same?

If we can’t show empathy about things that truly are not about us at all (except maybe to say that we’re tougher because we regularly live through what we believe you’re complaining about?), how can we have compassion for people in situations that actually push our buttons?

We need to do better. Not just about the weather.