I’m tired of needing to “be vigilant or be a victim” (who will subsequently be blamed for not knowing better).
What triggered this?
The advice that’s going around to sign documents using a four-digit date instead of a two-digit date, so that two additional digits can’t be added to backdate or postdate the document.
I understand the advice. I’m not putting down the advice.
But I’m tired of it all.
How I dress, what time of day I go out alone, whether or not everything I own is locked up, where I leave my purse or backpack or phone — these all need to be on the radar all the time, because if I get attacked or someone breaks into my car or someone steals my wallet out of my purse and I haven’t taken all of the recommended precautions: What did you expect?
I expect that people can be decent and not attack each other or steal each other’s shit.
(There are so many social, political, and economic layers to all that, and I’m not unpacking it right now. But on a tangent, I heard someone years ago blame people in a low-income neighborhood for letting drug dealers and gang members live and work there. As if it’s somehow residents’ fault? I can’t think of a single thing I’ve done in any neighborhood I’ve lived in that has prevented unsavory people from also living there.)
I’m tired of blaming the victim for everything. We have enough research to know how to fix a lot of the underlying problems, but we’re too selfish (collectively) to do it. Can we make everything utopian and hearts and rainbows and butterflies and unicorns? No, of course not. But it can be substantially better.
There are places I go regularly where I can leave my phone in a bag on the floor and not worry about it. And it’s lovely. Everyone manages to just go to The Place to do The Thing and on we go.
Can we have more of that, please?
I recently discovered a new podcast: The Happiness Lab. It’s fairly new—there are only eight episodes so far—and I learned about it through a plug on Revisionist History.
This coincided perfectly with a personal goal of adjusting my mindset in certain areas so I can be happier.
Episode 3: A Silver Lining.
They talked about how of the three medalists on the podium at the Olympics, the silver medalist is typically the least happy, sometimes not happy at all. And how this lasts well beyond the end of the winner’s national anthem.
They talked about making less money but double the people around you, versus making twice as much money but half the people around you … and how when asked which they’d prefer, people responded overall in a roughly 50/50 split.
The whole episode was fascinating to listen to. And had some moments of familiarity.
Whether you compare yourself physically, financially, socially, emotionally, or some other way, we all do it sometimes. The more we do, the less happy we are, because Top Dog is a difficult status to achieve and harder to maintain.
Where are you only happy if you’re better than the people around you? And where are you happy regardless of the state of the people around you?
So many people discrediting each other based on their age. “You are [young/old] so you don’t know anything” attitude.
Take age out of it. Is the person informed? Experienced in this? Depending on who/what the conversation is about, are they articulate? Do they look at things from multiple vantage points?
People at any age can have a legitimate point. Life isn’t as simple as the media (or your crotchety neighbor/coworker, or your kid) makes it out to be, and the good ol’ days weren’t necessarily better. (Nor were they necessarily worse—depends on who you are and where you’re from.)
Everyone has experiences we can learn from, and I want to hear your tales and your advice… and maybe some of it will resonate and maybe none of it will and it will have been an interesting conversation and that’s all.
In spite of having aged, you might actually know less than someone younger and you might want to also listen and consider their advice. Age is not greater than knowledge. There are 15-year-olds who know more than I do. And they might know more than you, too, depending on what you’re talking about.
Making this a little bit broader…
In several classes and trainings I’ve been to in the last handful of years, I’ve had to take a questionnaire titled, “Can you survive in a different social class?” Someone put it on Survey Monkey; you can see it here. (I don’t know who gets the answers—I share it just so you can look at the questions.)
Unless your experience has been broader than most, there’s plenty you could learn just about societal basics of classes that aren’t yours. Or you could learn about what it’s like to be the opposite sex. Or a different sexual orientation. Or a different race. Or religion. Or mental health status. This list could go on and on because we have such a wide variety of ways we pigeonhole people.
So. Listen and think. Be thoughtful—don’t take something in or reject it without processing it first. There’s so much to learn.
A quote crossed my path. It ties into my thoughts a few weeks ago about hidden sides of people, though that train of thought was more about context.
This one is more personal. Intimate.
“There’s the you that you present to the world, and then there’s, you know, of course the real one and, if you’re lucky, there’s not a huge difference between those two people.”
I’m not sure how much is luck and how much is by design. (I have thoughts about that, but they’re not coherent so I’ll keep them to myself for now.) But I agree that congruity makes for a generally happier existence … unless you’re a jerk.
When a sentence has two parts—the first part positive and the second part negative—the conjunction makes a big difference in how the complete sentence is received.
“You played that song really well, but this note should be two beats.”
“You played that song really well, and this note should be two beats.”
“You played that song really well. Next time, play this note two beats.”
Those sentences feel different as the receiver.
“But” in the middle negates the first half of the sentence.
“And” in the middle leaves both parts of the sentence intact.
This trick (that is easy to do
but and hard to remember) improves message reception in nearly any context: work, spouse, kids, friends, teammates.
Of course—there is a boundary on your responsibility for your message being received as intended. And there’s context. Simply using and instead of but doesn’t change those variables.
Someone who is programmed to reject praise and focus on negative isn’t going to hear the goodness up front, regardless what follows. (That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try.)
Someone whose work is never good enough or who has been pounded with criticism perhaps should be offered only the compliment, with the second half saved for just before the next attempt. (“Remember when you do this to include xyz detail.”)
And, because I have a child who is That Age, I can’t write a post with that many “but”s in it without thinking “chicken butt!”